Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Mother's Day

Sunday night I was sitting on the couch just thinking.  Thinking about how on edge I was feeling, like I was balancing on a cliff and any movement would push me off. Then it hit me....Mother's Day is coming up.  I remember feeling this way last year.  So I looked up my blog post from last year.  Last year it hit me after Mother's Day, so this is improvement right?!  I am recognizing these feelings earlier.  Last year I promised myself that this year would be different, so that is my goal.  I am going to change the traditions surrounding Mother's Day for me.  I am going to make it different so I can enjoy being a mother and not be so sad and edgy about not having MY mother here.  I want this to be a special day, something more.

So my first thought is to celebrate my own mother.  This year I am writing her a letter.  This is something I used to do when she first died, I wrote to her every day, wrote down all those things I would be telling her on the phone, sharing my days with her.  I am in the process of writing that letter now but it will probably be a bit longer.  Sheesh there is so much to share, so much I want to tell her, so much she has missed, so much I need to say.  So far, it has been cathartic.  I think I have felt every emotion there is to feel, in writing this letter.  I think this will be good for me.  I didn't want to write this letter ON Mother's Day, I want that to be a day for me, a wonderful, happy day so I can create memories and celebrate being a mother.  So I am writing it early, before Mother's Day.  

I would encourage this for anyone that has lost a mother or a child, and is having a difficult time around Mother's Day.  Write to your loved one/s.  Let them know how you feel (the happy and the sad) what they have missed (the good and the bad).  Just pour out your heart to them.  

My boys have already asked what I want for Mother's Day and at first I had told them what I would like them to make me (they are so crafty).  But I am changing my mind.  They always wait until the last minute and then I end up spending Mother's Day pretty much alone, as they are working on my gift.  So this year I want to hike, take a picnic and go out somewhere hiking.  We have such great times hiking, joking, laughing, talking.  And then maybe out to dinner.  I know, Mother's Day dinner, restaurants will probably be packed, we shall see.  Maybe a movie or a game, something together.  That will be fun and different.  

I am creating my own tradition for Mother's Day this year and it will be awesome.  I will celebrate the mother I have lost, and celebrate the mother that I am.

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day, and make it a special day for you!


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