Do you ever have a time when the feelings of guilt are overwhelming? I am having a morning like that right now. Trying to be more open and honest with my process, I have decided I need to blog about it. Just sitting here right now, it is only 5:30 AM and still dark outside, the house is eerily quiet and I was journaling my thoughts and feelings. This is when the raw feelings surface, at times so I HAVE to feel them, no distractions. Suddenly my mind is just racing and I am remembering things I have done or said that have hurt other people. Most were not intentional, and some I didn't even realize until years later, like the day when I was really young and I stormed upstairs after my mom spanked me and I said "I hate you", to her. Just little things over the years, I have said or done that have hurt another person.
That wave of guilt I am feeling right now, seems crushing. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I am older now, life has a way of changing people, opening your eyes. I was journaling about how to get out of this funk, how to release those feelings. I don't like feeling this unease, I don't like feeling that knot in my stomach. So I decided to blog about it and just sit with the feelings. Let them be for now, and maybe work it out in my art journal in a few minutes.
Why is the memory so strong? Seems like the memories of all the positive things I have done fade easily, but these just stick in my mind, to be rehashed every few years. If you read this and I have ever done or said anything to hurt you, know that I am truly and deeply sorry. I have worked on releasing things that don't serve me, but this is something that no matter how hard I work, just won't leave. I guess maybe it is still serving me in some way. Maybe the reminder that my words and actions have power. I know a lot can be said about this topic, and I have heard it before....that they only have power if the recipient (intended or unintended) chooses to let them have power. But from my end, it still kind of sucks. Guilt, remorse, hurt....all sitting squarely in the pit of my stomach, and in the forefront of my mind right now, for just a few moments.
But I know these feelings will pass, my day will brighten, joy will fill the spaces in between and take over.
Now it is noon, I was right the feelings passed. I sat with them for a while, then turned to my journal again to write it all out of my brain. Followed by sitting in the quiet stillness. The sunrise was beautiful. I made my tea and headed for the Greenway. I love my self care routine. It is time I nourish and comfort myself. And rather than being trapped in the feelings of guilt, I am able to care for myself, and see these feelings in a different light. The memories are still there, but I can handle myself gently, and move foward.