Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Marriage

OK have you seen the article floating around, about marriage.  OK I know there are lots of them.  But this one I have seen posted by my friends on facebook several times lately.  Here is the link:  Marriage is not for Me.   OK you should read it first, it is not what you think.  He explains that marriage is not for him, marriage is for the other person, his wife.

I wanted to share this on my blog because I disagree with parts of what he wrote.  Yes the sentiment is nice and oh so self-sacrificing.  

This is some of what I find isn't for me.  He writes that his dad says "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy."   But I don't think you can "make" anyone happy.  Can you?  Is an emotion something you can force on someone else.  I don't believe anyone can *make* me happy.  I didn't marry my husband to make him happy (or I would have married the first person to come along) .

Also he writes:  "No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. "  I disagree with that as well.  I don't think it is just about the other person.  I think it IS about me too.  I am not a martyr.  My hopes, dreams, needs and wants are important as well.  And I know my husband cares just as much about my hopes and dreams (shared and individual) as I do his. And he cares about his own hopes, dreams, needs and wants as well.  I think it might be really boring if he never cared about his own goals, desires, passions, needs or wants.

For us it is about a relationship not  being a martyr.  It is as much about me as it is about him and our children.  We work together, we work individually.  We all have our desires, and we have an open, welcoming environment where we feel free to express those needs and wants, knowing they will be held with the greatest care.  And that each of us will do what is in our power to help bring those to reality.

I don't disagree that it is team work.  I do care about my husband, and what he wants.  And I do want to see his wants and needs met, his dreams work, his passions flourish.

The author does go on to say: "my side of the marriage had become all about me."  So I do get part of what he is trying to say.  That you can't be completely selfish.  I do agree with that.  That is true with any kind of mutual relationship.  Every one's wants, needs, desires, and passions must be considered and held high.  

So rather than hijacking a facebook status with my own thoughts and opinions, I decided to share here.  Take what you want, leave the rest, find something you agree, or disagree with, that is fine.  But there it is.  DH and I have been married for 20 happy years, so what we are doing is working beautifully for us.  


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