I am sad, at times, that my mom's death was so sudden. Not that I feel like I didn't have a chance to say goodbye, that wasn't important to me. My mom knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me, we talked often even though we were an ocean apart. But sometimes I feel like I missed out on so much time with her. And my boys missed knowing her. Occasionally Phil will comment "I wish I had grandparents", he has none. And I can't change that, but I do talk about my parents, so he knows what they were like, the things my parents did with me etc. Just so he has some sense of a family beyond his parents.
I love those smells. I was just telling Jackson the other day, when we walked outside that it smelled like spring. And for a moment, I felt like I was walking out behind the house I grew up in, back in Maine. Just that smell of everything coming alive. This past winter I commented that it smelled like Fall in Maine, just that crisp, cool air, with a cool breeze. The winters here are pretty mild, so to me it smelled like Fall in Maine. Just takes me back.
There are times I miss my mom, but I know that if she were alive things would be very different for me. Chances are we would not have chosen North Carolina as a place to live, we would have chosen Maine, to be close to my parents. And with that choice would have come a different group of friends, maybe I would not have chosen to homeschool etc. So I do see the chain of events. And I know that the one event, that was beyond my control, has led to a joyful life with wonderful friends, and living a life I can't imagine being different. Hmmm how things do shape our lives and our choices.
So I always remember one of the things my mom used to tell me, "everything will work out the way it is supposed to be." And I smile, even through the occasional sadness.
"Smells and tastes remain within me
as if they had souls, haunting me
reminding me of the past.
Will this ever pass I hope not
as I don't want to lose that
part of Mother that stays within me." Robritt