Thursday, September 20, 2007

Dreams

I haven't posted about this, was thinking about it last night, but needed a little more distance. Every couple of months I dream about my parents, both have crossed over. It isn't the same dream. Night before last I dreamed that we had all flown somewhere for a vacation of sorts, I remember thinking I hadn't seen them in a while. We did the touristy thing, then in the end we all had to fly home. My mom was saying that she was flying to a different place, it really had this feeling that she knew she was going to die. My dad wasn't going with her. He was going home, home like in Maine, I don't think I ever knew exactly where my mom was going but we all went to a different place that day. I am fuzzy on details now, should have probably written them down. But I woke up at that moment and just had this overwhelming feeling of loss. Just a sadness deep in my heart that wasn't going away.

I jumped up out of bed, the boys were still sleeping, Jackson had gone to work and the house was so quiet and I felt so alone. I immediately got online to see if anyone was there to talk to, but none of my friends were online yet. So I sat there, kind of frozen, waiting for the fading to take place, you know when dreams fade away to only a vague memory.

FINALLY a few minutes later Teresa popped up online. I was so grateful she was not too busy to check her e mail this morning. So I IMed with her and felt better. Just talking about nothing really. But the dream was so vivid and left me feeling so alone.

I can make guesses at what the dream meant. But don't know for sure. I wish my mom would come out in a dream and just tell me what I am supposed to be learning from all of this. Why it is so important for me to keep feeling this loss. I have mentioned in posting before that I feel like it is a hole in my heart forever. Oh I don't dwell in the loss. I remember the happier times, and share things with my boys so they will know their grandparents. And in a day or so I won't even remember that this dream happened, until another dream pops up in a few months.
Anyway it does make me very thankful for good friends.


Here is a picture of my brother, my mom, and I from 1973!

1 comment:

Ren said...

THat is a very sweet picture.

I think the hole in my heart gets bigger every year in some ways...I just miss my Mom more and more, though the acceptance of her being gone has definitely sunk in.

It's never easy. I hope the dreams open something up that is helpful.