Monday, July 30, 2007

The Full Moon and My Mom

Oh the full moon, what a great night. The boys are getting so much out of our full moon circles. Just us, our small family, but we are really enjoying this sacred time we have set aside each month to share together. Outside, listening to crickets, feeling the gentle breeze, cooler this time of year at night, so it feels good to be outside, just the four of us strengthening these relationships under the moon. As the boys get older they do more and more things on their own, so I especially cherish this time of reconnection.

I have been thinking about my mom today....a lot. She died just after I had turned 29. Car crash, instant death. Jackson and I were living in Germany with one son at the time. It was such a shock. But now over 10 years later and it isn't any easier than the day she died. I don't think it will ever get easier. I don't believe the old adage "time heals all wounds"....not at all. There was something about that relationship that is different than any other relationship I have. Something about the history we shared. I have great relationships with my husband and my children, and friends. But still not the same. I feel love all around me, but not that love. There is still a huge hole in my heart. I have great memories that I share with my boys. But nothing seems to fill that hole. I understand it is part of life, and I am not saying I would change anything, but I miss her, each and every day. I am not sad each and every day, but I miss her each and every day.

Miss calling her and discussing things woman to woman, with the understanding that she knows me so I don't have to explain every little thing. Miss having her tell me "it's going to be OK" and really meaning it, knowing she would do anything in her power to make sure it was "all right" for me. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. Just missing her in general. 12 years 1 month and 25 days.

Maybe tonight with the full moon I will make a special point to think about her.

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